Tag Archives: conflict

Couples, Marital Family Issues, Relationships

How to maintain your relationship?

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By: James E. DelGenio MS, LCPC
Senior Staff Therapist,
The Family Institute at Northwestern University

Maintain your relationship!

All couples argue. The key is to have rules for fighting so as not to create resentment over time. Resentment is very destructive to a relationship. Always be civil and respectful. There are no winners when couples lose control. The best-case scenario is that you both feel understood even if you don’t agree. Always be willing to compromise. When all is said and done, you should both feel understood even if the issue is unresolved. Agree to discuss the conflict in therapy if an issue remains unresolved.

• Always be civil and respectful. This is the foundation of your relationship. When civility and respect breaks down, the relationship is in trouble. Resentment is created and this has long term detrimental effects including lack of intimacy and bickering over little things.

• Relationships are like a car. They need maintenance to run well. Don’t take your relationship for granted. This is a very hectic world we live in. Sometimes couples get lost in the day-to-day grind of life, especially when there are children and all their after-school activities. Make time for one another; planning is key.  Plan a date night for just the two of you at least twice per month.  This fosters good communication and a feeling of connection.

• Good communication means everyone walks away feeling good about the interaction. Find a way to compromise or at least agree to disagree civilly.

• Offer greetings, a hug and a kiss when you leave in the morning and when you return. The duty of meet and greet, as I call it, is on both of you to find one another and give a hug and kiss. When you kiss remember you are not kissing your mother. It’s OK to laugh. I think you will find that this turns into a family hug once the children notice. Even the dog will want in.

• Look at one another when you talk. Make eye contact. It’s better to be nose to nose possibly with your arms around each other for difficult conversations. The intention is that this is about good communication and never about winning an argument.

• Be affectionate. Take walks together; hold hands.

• Make a love call during the day.

• Have a date night regularly for just the two of you. Don’t discuss issues; if you can’t think of anything to talk about, plan your next date or vacation.

• Take time to talk for a few minutes when you get home. Talk about your respective day. Share your feelings. Men typically try to offer solutions. Gentlemen, you need to listen, you don’t have to offer solutions. Men tend to try to fix it; just listen and acknowledge what you have heard by saying back what you heard with emphasis on the feeling you heard. This will help avoid, “you’re not listening.”

Now I can work via Zoom with anyone, anywhere in the country and it will still be covered by BCBS Insurance.  Call James E. DelGenio MS, LCPC, Senior Staff Therapist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 847-733-4300 Ext 638.

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Disclaimer: This material is meant to be used in conjunction with psychiatric treatment, medication, if necessary, and supportive therapy. Always share this material and your questions about this material with your doctor and therapist.

Couples, Marital Family Issues, Premarital Issues, Relationships

Rules of engagement for couples

46 Comments

By: James E. DelGenio MS, LCPC
Senior Staff Therapist,
The Family Institute at Northwestern University

Rules for conflict

It will take time and effort to reach the goal of civility and respect once you have lost it. This, however, is the foundation of your relationship. When you lose it, your relationship is in trouble!  When in conflict in a relationship, you must be willing to work at it maintaining these rules. It will take time; don’t quit. Call “time out” when needed and come back 24 hours later to see if you can continue the discussion civilly. Use the words time out as a signal that if we continue, it is not going to go well. So, time out means stop this discussion is over for now. If you leave the house tell your significant other where you are going and when you will be back. It’s not civil or respectful to do otherwise. Work at being consistent. If you can’t do this, you will need couples counseling with a licensed therapist.

Rules for Conflict
1. No hitting; no throwing. No Physical violence ever! Never allow anyone to threaten violence or strike you in anger. If this happens, it’s time to call the police and/or get out. This is never acceptable. No excuses are acceptable. Leave: go to a domestic violence shelter if you need. Don’t leave yourself or others in harm’s way. End of discussion.
2. No screaming, swearing, no cursing, no name calling, no sarcasm. Long after you have forgotten what the fight was about you will remember the ugly name you were called.
3. Keep your voice down; talking louder doesn’t help the person hear you better.
4. One argument at a time. No skidding; stick to the topic at hand. You don’t pick up your shoes…. well, you don’t shovel snow. No history lessons— a review of the past is not helpful; stick to the issue at hand.
5. Don’t start sentences with “you”. This immediately puts the other person on the defensive. Start with “I feel…. because…” This has a much better impact. It may still be confrontational, but it doesn’t create as much defensiveness.
6. Listening and understanding what the person is feeling and being able to listen and reflect back or mirror what you have heard is very important to good communication.
7. Don’t talk over one another. If you are both talking, that means no one is listening.
8. Don’t argue from different rooms or behind a closed door. When she goes in the bathroom to get away, give her some space. Don’t stand outside the door and try to talk. Don’t just walk out either; your partner doesn’t know how to interpret that. At least say, “I need a time out. I’m going for a walk; I’ll be back in an hour.”
9. Don’t allow yourself to lose control…ever. Call time out if the conflict is getting out of control. Agree to discuss it further within 24 hours or when you have cooled off.
10. Never threaten divorce or separation. This is very destructive, and it can create its own resentment and trust issues.
11. Seek help from a therapist. Reading these tips and being held accountable by a therapist are obviously very different. I hear far too often, “we should have been here two years ago”. Get the help you need, now, before it is too late.

Zoom!

Now I can work via zoom with anyone, anywhere in the country and it may still be covered by BCBS Insurance. Check with your BCBS representative for more information.

Call James E. DelGenio MS, LCPC, Senior Staff Therapist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 847-733-4300 Ext 638.

http://manageyourmood.net
http://family-institute.org

Disclaimer: This material is meant to be used in conjunction with psychiatric treatment, medication, if necessary, and supportive therapy. Always share this material and your questions about this material with your doctor and therapist.